A letter to the orange gods (AKA Sunkist)

Dear Sunkist,

Since you're already genetically engineering your oranges so that their exterior glows a bright neon orange, making them seedless, and adding carcinogenic carnauba wax to make them appear more shiny, why not make them easier to eat?

Yesterday I broke a fingernail just trying to get into the fleshy, succulent goodness that your oranges always prove to be. Today, thinking I'd become wiser, I went at it with a paring knife, cutting the orange into quarters. But I still broke a goddamn nail trying to peel it!

While you're at it, doing your genetic manipulation of the orange's outermost layer, how about also removing entirely that annoying pith? After breaking all of my fingernails off as I wait for you to get the ball rolling on genetically enhancing your rockstar oranges, I'll have nothing left but nubs for nails to peel off that pesky white inner skin, which really does nothing but mask the true greatness of the fruit's innermost nectar. And it makes them a lot dryer!

Lastly, while your engineers are hard at work devising the new and improved Sunkist, how about coming up with new lines of oranges? Some, off the top of my head, that I KNOW would be big hits are oranges that help fight off nicotine cravings, oranges with melatonin (what a perfect midnight snack!), oranges that make you invisible, and, of course, oranges with a buttload of super-powerful pheromones. (I want the ladies not to think that I just eat healthily, but also to find me utterly irresistible, like Austin Powers.)

Yours Truly,
Fingernail-less in Seattle